I finally got the urge to sit back down in front of my computer and write something. Since I’ve stopped writing for Defense Wife and ABS, it’s sort of the last thing that I’ve wanted to do. I was putting so much pressure on myself to crank out new posts and come up with ideas that I thought people even remotely wanted to read about that this little break is what I needed/really wanted.
The other night, Caleb was so antsy about my Christmas gifts that he firmly announced, “I think you should open your gifts tonight.” I looked at him like he was crazy, of course, because Christmas gifts are for tearing into Christmas morning, and any time before that is breaking the rules. I’ve always known this, which is why I was never a peeker growing up. I liked to be surprised.
In any case, the man won, and we exchanged gifts early. One of the items that Caleb picked out for me is the most incredible unbound, leather journal with my initials branded on the front. As I gazed at this gorgeous thing in my hands, I remarked, “I haven’t journaled in forever.” He responded with, “I noticed that, so I thought this might motivate you.” He then discreetly added, “And I thought you might need a pregnancy journal someday.” That sly dog.
No, I am not pregnant.
Anyway, I was just thinking about this extreme act of kindness on my husband’s behalf and realized that I need to keep writing. I have drifted away from what I love to do, and my lifelong dream of writing for just about anything anyone might read has been temporarily forgotten. It’s hard to stay motivated, ya know?
I’ve been whining a lot. I don’t know how Caleb puts up with it. I am stressed all the time about everything and nothing. I take wonderful times in life, like family visiting or a trip to Ohio, as an opportunity to freak out about all of the things that need done and the people I want to see and will I have enough time to do it all? Oh, and the cat box needs cleaned, and so does the kitchen and the bathrooms. Yes, they need cleaned, AGAIN, and I have to go to the grocery store, and Capone is out of Heartguard, and, oh yeah, I forgot about all of those Christmas gifts that have been lying on the floor for two weeks. I should probably wrap those. There are HOW MANY bags of trash that need to go out!?
And on and on. It’s a war zone inside of my head, and it’s mostly waged against myself. I have yet to come to grips with the fact that if there are dirty dishes in the sink when I go to bed, I will not be met by the apocalypse in the morning. It does not mean that I’m a failure.
AND WE DON’T EVEN HAVE KIDS YET.
Then I thought to myself, ‘Shut the fuck up. Crawl in your bed, read something that inspires you (holla at you, Amy Poehler!) and just stop complaining. Just stop. It is all going to be fine.’ Which is what I did. Last night, after making dinner and wrapping the previously mentioned Christmas gifts. (Sorry to any family members who witnessed that F-bomb up there, but if it’s Mom, Dad, or Nooney, they won’t be surprised.)
I need to do this more often. Just force myself to sit down and be still and quiet. The things that I make a huge deal about on a day-to-day basis are so miniscule in the grand scheme of things. We all need to spend less time worrying and more time being thankful for our families, good jobs – and extra points if you actually enjoy that job! – friends, and, for some of us, cute, squishy-faced bulldogs. And I need to keep writing. It’s no coincidence that I didn’t become a drug addict, or something crazy, to deal with my high school experience; it’s because I wrote. I still need to do that, even if the trash needs taken out, the laundry needs done, and I need to get ready for work. Making time for what you love is important.
So, here it is, guys; you’re doing a great job. There is someone who recognizes how hard you’re working and all that you do, even if it doesn’t seem like it. We’re all pulling for you, and we’re proud of you, and it’s time to stop being so hard on yourself. Take a few moments to breathe, tell yourself you’re awesome, and trust in the fact that most things are out of your control, anyway. Learn to say no and not feel bad about it. In fact, stop feeling so bad about everything in general. Also, ask for help. No one expects you to do it all alone.
Christmas Vacation really nails it with the quote, “I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.” Actually, it’s hilarious how relatable that entire movie is, but that quote in particular always cracks me up. Let’s make a pact though; let’s try not to be in misery this Christmas season. Instead, let’s work on being peaceful and appreciative, and let’s shut off the part of our minds that’s telling us that we shouldn’t eat that sugar cookie or that we’re not doing a good enough job. Life’s too short.
And kudos to my husband for recognizing that I needed to write and wrapped up a fresh journal to place under the tree. That means everything to me.
Merry Christmas, ya’ll.